Perfectly Picked

I've cried many tears this week.  Tears over my loss of motivation, tears over friends I miss, tears over uncertainty, and just plain tears.  But tonight I cry tears of tender thankfulness, astonishment at what I have been given.

I wish you knew my parents.  They're perfect.  Of course, they're not really PERFECT, but like I said yesterday, "The more I grow up, the more I believe and see that God specifically picked my parents to have me and me to be their daughter."  The more I get to know them, the better we fit together.  They take better care of me than I can justly describe.  Every time I think I know how much they love me, I realize that I've barely sipped of the fountain from which they endlessly give.  I see their love for me on their faces, I hear it in their words, I feel it in their hugs, and I read it in the encouraging emails they send me almost every day.

Immense in Love

Psalm 86:15 - "But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and never, never quit."

I have seen God's unfailing, ever-faithful, immense love in the people around me recently.  I've received encouragement and support from everyone in my life, and this has meant so much to me.  I've appreciated every text, every note, every prayer, every hug, every moment of shared laughter.  All of this is God providing for me through his children who are abiding in him.  He teaches them how to love, and they show his love to me.  Thanks for helping to hold me together, family.

"Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm.  And I'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone." - Matt Maher

Fallen Leaves

This weekend in my hometown, autumn was in full force as half-bare trees stood like statues in the chilly air.  Every year yellow, red, and green leaves fall from their branches and leave only the trunk and its naked branches starkly exposed.  It's a pattern, a cycle.

As I look back on recent years, it seems this same process has taken place in my life each autumn since I started college.  Some years the shedding of leaves has seemed more manageable and bearable, and others it has felt the leaves were ruthlessly ripped from the branches to which they clung.

When the leaves hit the ground, standing up strong is the tree itself.  The trunk, the branches.  The framework on which all the rest of life hangs.  No matter what I have or don't have, God still stands.  He's constant, and He's strong.  I feel bare and confused now, but He's teaching me something. God is developing something in me so that when spring finally comes I will blossom and bear fruit, hopefully more than before.

Psalm 74:16-17 (Message) You own the day, you own the night; you put stars and sun in place. You laid out the four corners of earth, shaped the seasons of summer and winter.

A Future Filled with Hope

One month away from being a college graduate, I spent a great deal of time today applying to positions in the food industry.  It felt a little like going backwards.  At times I feel I'm forever stuck in "student-hood" and always transitioning from one thing to the next, each more temporary than meaningful.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (CEB)
I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the LORD; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope. When you call me and come and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you search for me, yes, search for me with all your heart, you will find me. I will be present for you, declares the LORD, and I will end your captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have scattered you, and I will bring you home after your long exile, declares the LORD.

One Thing Remains

"Your love never fails; it never gives up; it never runs out on me."

Heart Song

"I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you.  You can ventilate safely to me, because talking with me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from my perspective.

"Complaining to others is another matter altogether.  It opens the door to deadly self-pity and rage.  Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to me and talk it out.  As you open up to me, I will put my thoughts in your mind and my song in your heart." - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

If there are any two words to describe the last six weeks of my life, they are stress and strain.  Recent days have been full of angst over healing I didn't think was happening, progress I didn't think was taking place.  But I was voicing my complaints to myself or to those around me without a God-focus.

"As you open up to me, I will put my thoughts in your mind and my song in your heart."

Job 8:21 He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Today was a tear-free taste of greater things to come.  I still feel like I'm stranded deep in the woods, but my step is turning in the direction of a clearing.  There will (no doubt) still be frustrating days, but I'm resolved to wake up tomorrow morning and NOT say to myself, "Welp, EVERYTHING SUCKS!"  My heart will seek God's song, rather than drag along to my own un-danceable rhythm.

Sick Day

As much as I hated yesterday as it happened - an accumulation of two terrible nights' sleep, an achey body, plugged ears, and exhaustion which resulted in a very limited ability to focus on anything productive - it is probably exactly what I needed.

I have to praise God for it because it is what he provided me with, and I know that he did so with reason. 

I don't know if there is something going around or if my cold can be attributed to the several instances of stress I have experienced in the last month and a half, be them large, small, worthwhile, and not.  Whatever the cause, I got a cold that forced me to just sit around all day sleeping and taking it easy, and praying for myself and everyone else.  My body may be in the shop but my heart is still running, still connecting with God.  I'm thankful for that.

September Fourteenth

This morning as I sat quietly with my journal, I was moved to pen prayers of praise.

"Thank you so much for being everything I need and being able to fulfill me completely."

"Thank you for showing yourself to me as a faithful provider."

"I don't want to let myself forget your faithfulness, God.  I want to praise you for it daily."

I sat silently for a moment, basking in God's goodness and just loving who He is.  Then I turned back in my journal to one year ago - September 14, 2010.  I found a prayer so similar to the one I had just written.

"Thank you for being present with me."

"Thank you for giving me all of the things I need, in exactly the perfect timing."

"Thank you for taking care of me endlessly."


Psalm 63:3-5 "Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise you!  I will praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer.  You satisfy me more than the richest feast.  I will praise you with songs of joy."

Jesus Plus Nothing

Luke 6:47-49 (NLT)

"I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it.  It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built.  But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”

"Are you willing to rest on a single foundation?  Jesus plus something else does not double your security.  It actually takes it away.  The only security is Jesus plus nothing." - Lydia Brownback, Trust


I see the reality of these words in my life.  I see events in the past month that raised my stress level, made me want to control my circumstances, and indicated that my security was not dug deep and laid on the solid rock of Christ.  Now I see myself rebuilding the right way.  I see myself trusting God with things I didn't before, and I know what do to when the rain starts to fall.

The Awesome Unforeseen

Monday, my mom spent the night.  We caught up, we talked business, we laughed.  Then as we lay in my room in darkness, from the make-shift bed on the rug beside me I heard, "How can I pray for you this week?"  I shared some things, hesitant that my mom would ask for more information and try to parent me.  Instead, in her loving voice and from her loving heart, she prayed for me right then.

Yesterday, I was nervous.  And then, my apology was accepted.  I was taught instead of reprimanded.  I learned.  I was loved.

Today I felt annoyed.  I started to complain, until I realized this opportunity to rely on God's love and not my own.  Where I am weak, He is strong.

The Thankful Tree

Recently, in my home town of Chico, CA, locals have been writing notes about what they are thankful for and tying them to branches on the tree above.  As the tree has grown fuller with thanks, passersby can look at it as a reminder of how MUCH there is to be thankful for in our lives, no matter the circumstances.

What would you put on the tree?

All Who Are Thirsty

"All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep"

As we sang these lyrics last night, I couldn't help but think of the hurting people from my hometown.  Of course it will take all of them a long time to heal from the pain that comes with the death of a friend, boyfriend, brother, and son.  The beautiful message of this song is that God wants to heal us.  God knows our pain and heartbreak and longs to comfort us.  Healing takes a long time, but God wants to guide each step of the process.  My prayer is for the hearts of those who are hurting now, and who will feel sorrow for many days to come.  My prayer is that they will be supported and allow God to carry them so that they heal better than they may imagine possible.

A List Like This

Inspired by my friend PC's post, I've copied him and compiled a list of my own.

At age three I met my best friend, whose friendship over the years has been witness to my joys and delights, my sorrows and struggles, and every milestone in between.
I attended small elementary and middle schools that had clean bathrooms and half-days on Fridays.
My childhood memories do not include fights with my siblings.
Much of my childhood, adolescence, and beyond has been spent in dancing shoes.
I have been fed delicious food at a full table surrounded by family and friends.
I have an extended family that loves deeply.
I was born to a mother who often times has known me better than I know myself, makes me laugh to no end, and never stops teaching me.
I have had the privilege of education, one of the biggest gifts I could ever receive.
I have an intelligent father who faithfully provides for a family in which he takes greatest pride.
I have had the opportunity to glimpse into another culture, language, and people that have shown me a different perspective on human rights, acceptance in society, and interpersonal communication.
My future holds the potential for a career that completely fascinates me.
EVERY chapter of my life has been graced by a friend to look up to, an encourager, a teacher, a follower of God willing to love me however I needed it most.
I have been shown a mercy that I can barely begin to understand.
I have made “huge” mistakes that God has used as huge opportunities to love me, grow me, and draw me near to Him.
I have been redeemed and am constantly being made new in Christ. Each night I am put to rest with the unfailing assurance that “it’s okay”.

Confident Expectation

Trust – (v.) to believe; to expect confidently (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/trust)

After yesterday’s post, I was thinking a lot about trust. I was reminded of a few other times in my life when I experienced something that made me think, “Wow, now I know what it means to really trust God!” Each of those scenarios was different and added to or slightly adjusted my perception of what trust was.

Each day I am faced with a new opportunity to trust God. Each day I have the option to “expect confidently” a victorious outcome in whatever situation arises.

Isaiah 26:4 “So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].” (Amplified Bible)

Swallowing Tears

My mom has two days left of radiation. In two days, the battle of breast cancer will be mostly over. It seems like such a simple, easy end to such an involved process. A process that included multiple meetings with multiple doctors, research, two surgeries, sixteen weeks of chemotherapy, hair loss, appetite loss, exhausted days spent in bed, and radiation. After having experienced the ups and downs of this journey, to have worried and prayed through it, the culmination seems to come so quietly. It’s hard for me to grasp that all that’s left is recovery, and the fear in the back of my mind creeps forward.

What if I someday get a phone call and the cancer is back? Will there be hope for another go-round? My delicate heart can’t stand the thought of my family enduring this again, but my mind insists on going there. Not only does my mind insist on going there, it goes too far. I have not finished my education. I have not accomplished what I aspire to in a career. I have not been engaged. I have not been married. I have not birthed a child or struggled through my first parenting experiences. I have not bought a house or hosted a holiday meal. My fear is that I would fail to realize these ambitions without my mom. And if I did reach these goals, I certainly couldn’t celebrate without her.

It embarrasses me to admit these fears. As I reveal them on this page, I stifle my emotions because I know my God is almighty. He has overcome all of this, and He knows my heart. He knows exactly what I need and provides it to me with open hands and outstretched arms. He is my Great Comforter. He is also my strength. My endurance. He is my joy.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” (The Message)

What is God trying to do to draw you closer?

God is teaching me not to rely on our time together in the morning to feel connected with him.  I am learning to cherish that time, but my remaining in him is not based on whether or not it happens or how "well" it goes.

Anger

James 1:20  "Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." NLT

Believing Truth

Another thing I thought was interesting from the women's event was the statement, "What we believe about ourselves may be the chief obstacle to our believing the truth about God."

If we believe our sins are too big to be forgiven, then we are not believing in the full capacity of God's grace.  If we believe our problems are too small to pray about, then we are not believing that God's love stretches to the minute details of our lives.

But in reality, who God truly is DETERMINES who we are.

If God loves unconditionally, then we are unconditionally loved.  If God is the Great Provider, then we are completely taken care of.  If God is our strong foundation, then we cannot be broken or crumbled.  If God is our fortress, then we cannot be conquered.  If God is our potter, then we are his clay.

This challenges me to search scripture for hints at who God is whenever I read it, and think about THAT rather than who I am.

What is the purpose of life?

This question was posed by the keynote speaker at last weekend's women's event.  Through studying a series of verses that talk about KNOWING God, Shelley Pimentel came to this conclusion:

"We exist to ENGAGE WITH GOD in a gritty, beautiful process of transformation - a process to KNOW and LOVE God and to become a REFLECTION of him so that others may somehow see him and come to know, love, and reflect God too."

Soul Garage

This weekend I attended the women's spring event at my church.  Normally I guess they hold it in Santa Cruz or something, but they held it at the church this year to make it cheaper for everyone.  The event was Friday evening and most of the day Saturday.  There was great food, a very gifted speaker, workshops, games, prizes, and music.

At the beginning of the program Friday night, the worship leader Chaya shared her testimony.  Her biological mom had given birth to her at a very young age, so her grandparents raised her.  Her biological mom passed away.  She shared that she chose to become bitter about life's circumstances, and she let that bitterness take over her life and rule a lot of decisions she made for a long time.  In a recent conversation with a friend, she confessed to feeling embarrassed by all the time she wasted not following God.  Her friend replied that she should not waste time now by being embarrassed.

How can I better use my past experiences to glorify God?  What experiences have you been through that can be used to testify God's glory?

Stay tuned for more of what God showed me this weekend!

Do you know what it means to be "in Christ"?

I read this blog today, and it DIRECTLY links to the Remain series that FUSION is going through right now.  Check it out.

"Life in Christ" - The Purple Cellar

It was the third paragraph that grasped me: "You haven't quite grasped it if you miss your quiet time one morning and think you'll be thrown off course all day as a result."

Worth It

"What false teaching threatens our sincere and pure devotion to Christ?  What do we put up with readily enough?  Perhaps today more than anything else, we allow the purity of the true gospel to be diluted by the false gospel of self-esteem.  Self-esteem sounds good, but it is antithetical to God's gospel.  Christ didn't die to improve our self-esteem; he died to give us his.  He didn't come to build up our self-worth; he came to knock it down.  Jesus said, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me' (Luke 9:24); and Paul wrote, 'Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves' (Phil. 2:3).  We have been deceived by the false teaching of self-esteem because, like most effective deceptions, there is a kernel of truth in it.  We do have intrinsic worth because we are made in the image of God.  But it is his image in us that gives us value." - Purity by Lydia Brownback

This is why I feel like a piece of trash when my heart isn't listening to God.  It makes sense, because without Christ I have no life, no purpose, no fruit.

I have learned that I rarely entangle myself with God on days I don't start my day with that intention.  I need that set aside time to focus on what is good, true, and holy.  For this to happen, I must schedule it into my day.  I must set my alarm an hour early to start my day attentive to God.  I never regret pulling myself out of bed for that.

Attitude Adjustment

The devotional I'm going through is teaching me about being a woman of "biblical femininity".  It's blowing my mind!

Characteristics that embody biblical femininity include caring for family, honoring authorities, helping those in need, and exercising God-given talents.  A woman of biblical femininity most importantly fears God (Brownback, 2010).

The devotional entry that has caught my attention most strongly is titled "A Pure Woman Has a Gentle and Quiet Spirit".  The author defines biblical quietness as "the trait that enables us to exhibit trust in God and to rest in the circumstances in which he has called us to live."  The more I think about this, the harder it seems for me to practice it!  Lately I have felt bombarded by circumstances that are, shall we say, "alternative" to ideal.  The temptation to gripe, complain, and allow a bad attitude to fester and infect my heart's motives (and, in turn, my actions) has at times been overwhelming.  My prayer is that God would continue to reveal to me ways that I exhibit more "worldly femininity" than biblical femininity.  I pray that God will change my heart so that my actions exhibit my trust in him in all circumstances.

Your Love Never Fails

Everyone...I LOVE THIS SONG.  As much as I love going to the park on a sunny day.  It was introduced to me by my great friend Brent months ago, and I still sometimes just HAVE to listen to it.  Love it.

The Narrow Way

These passages are making me think today:

Matthew 7:13-14 - "You can enter God's Kingdom only through the narrow gate.  The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way.  But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." (NLT)

"So what path are you walking today?  Are you working harder to develop your exterior or your interior?  Are you striving for your reputation or Christ's?  Are you serving others or yourself?  Are you investing more in God's Kingdom or in your 401(k)?  How we spend our time and energy reveals which path we have chosen.  But how blind we can be to the truth!" - Purity by Lydia Brownback

Calling all BOYS!

I want every guy in the world to listen to this sermon.  It's worth your time, and mine.


"Marriage and Men" - Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church

Self-Esteem

Something I read this week that pretty much changed my life:

"What false teaching threatens our sincere and pure devotion to Christ?  What do we put up with readily enough?  Perhaps today more than anything else, we allow the purity of the true gospel to be diluted by the false gospel of self-esteem.  Self-esteem sounds good, but it is antithetical to God's gospel.  Christ didn't die to improve our self-esteem; he died to give us his.  He didn't come to build up our self-worth; he came to knock it down.  Jesus said, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me' (Luke 9:24); and Paul wrote, 'Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves' (Phil. 2:3).  We have been deceived by the false teaching of self-esteem because, like most effective deceptions, there is a kernel of truth in it.  We do have intrinsic worth because we are made in the image of God.  But it is his image in us that gives us our value." - Purity by Lydia Brownback

Oh my goodness, WHY HAS NO ONE EVER SAID IT LIKE THIS BEFORE?!  I have no worth on my own, but whatever worth I have is ONLY because I have God.  I think I now understand why dealing with "self-esteem issues" by trying to convince myself that I am just fine the way I am has NEVER WORKED!

Discernment

discern - to perceive by the sight or some other sense by intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend

Proverbs 20:11 "Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure, and whether it is right." (NLT)

"We may think we trust God, but our efforts to anxiously control the details of our lives and the lives of those around us show us that we really don't.  We may feel the emotion of love for our spouse, but our daily outbursts of anger and irritation reveal something else.  We may say we aren't greedy for  money or possessions, but our credit card debt shows otherwise.  Actions speak louder than words - or feelings - and they reveal what we really believe." - Purity by Lydia Brownback

What do your actions tell you about your heart?

Fasting Friday

hunger – the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need of food

You are our food, our bread of life, God. You feed our souls, and without you we are in a
painful and weak condition. Our lives cannot grow without your sustenance.

I pray the people of FUSION would feel this hunger, that we would crave you and rely
on you to strengthen and energize us through each day. I pray we would never get
enough of you, never feel full enough.

I pray that this hunger for you would lead us to hunger for each other. I pray we would
hunger for deep relationship and true community. I pray we would learn to value and
honor one another for our differences. I pray we would see in each other the gifts that
you have given us. I pray we would serve one another in unconditional love. Open our
hearts and minds to forgive one another and come together as a family.

Thank you for each one of us who you have brought together. Thank you for each person
who will enter the Chapel on Sunday. I pray that we would welcome them in and that
they would see how you are working at FUSION. I pray that you would be glorified.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for my friend.  Thank you for the woman that she is.  Thank you for her heart.  Thank you for her desire to follow and love you.

I pray that you will continue to sustain her and heal her from being sick.  I pray that her body will recover from illness and her strength and energy will be restored.

I pray that you would speak to her heart this week.  I pray that through focusing on you she would be reassured of who she is – your beautiful and cherished daughter.  I pray that she would hear you tell her how proud of her you are, like she did before.  I pray she would remember that your love for us doesn’t change.  I pray she would see your work in her life, and recognize how you are making her into a beautiful thing.

I pray she would have peace about who she is, and know that the people in her life appreciate her more than we can express.  Show her encouragement through people who love her, and have her see that these are coming from you.  I pray that she would feel like the beautiful person she is, because she was and is being molded by you.  I pray that she would see that she brings so much good to the people in her life, and that she would know she is beautiful because you are working through her.

Thankful Thursday

Dear God,

Thank you so much for who you are.  Thank you for knowing me and wanting me to know you.  Thank you for drawing me to you daily.  Thank you that things don't go well on days I close my eyes to your presence, because it reminds me that everything good comes from you.

Thank you for sharing in my joy, pain, laughter, and tears.  Thank you for providing exactly what I need.

Thank you for the sunrise and sunset, these reminders that man is powerless and that you orchestrate all things.

Thank you for the people in my life who show me glimpses of your character.  Thank you for making each one of us different so that we make up one body, each part with a different purpose.  Thank you for our different personalities and passions.

Thank you for preparing my heart to be attentive to you today.