Blessed

Blessed (adj.) - divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; blissfully happy or content

This adjective describes tonight.  Mustaches, glasses, hats, scarves, jackets, and masks made tonight unique, but it's something deeper that makes this group of women unique.  We are each unique from each other, a mix of many different personalities, backgrounds, dreams, and quirks.  Despite (or maybe partially because of) our differences, our hearts are connected.  We know each other.  We know the things each of us are striving toward.  We can encourage each other in ways other friends often can't.  The love in this group is strong, unending, and hopeful.

After they covered me in prayer and departed with hugs, I ate a snack, did a crossword puzzle, and came up with the words I was at a loss for earlier tonight:

To my Wednesday night girls,
You have blessed me.  My experience in Sacramento has been made worthwhile because of the relationships that you built in my living room(s), the stories you shared, the deep heart issues you poured out, the tears you cried, the hugs you've given, the prayers you've prayed, and the words you've spoken.  Thanks to each of you girls for being vulnerable and sharing with each other and me the love that the Christ gave you.  Thank you for appreciating each other, caring genuinely for one another, and living in community together.  Thank you for seeking God.

Hanging on the Vine

This morning I sat at the kitchen table, finally having the words to pray all the feelings that yesterday kept me "busily" hidden.  I prayed this:

It is sad to think that this could be my last night at Fusion and not even know for sure.  I wish this could have been more planned so I could spend time with certain people and everything.  To be honest, God, I don't really believe that I'll get a job this week.  I have no leads on jobs I've already applied for, and it's not likely that any I apply to this week will hire me by Friday.  God, I'm so eager for your answer!  It looks like nothing is working!!  What is the purpose of making me wait THIS long?!  (At this point I actually paused and hoped to hear God's voice audibly.)

I know that whatever God's plan is, it's worth waiting for.  The waiting is so, so, so hard right now.

In the Waiting

I haven't posted in a while, and I guess I could say there's been a lot going on.  A lot of nothing, it may seem.  I am (sometimes) patiently waiting for God to reveal what He wants me to do next.  Where I'm supposed to live, where I'm supposed to work, etc.  In the last month, the people in my life have made apparent their very specific hopes for what happens, which is why I found myself so touched by two things lately.

1) Yesterday, a friend prayed for me and my current "up-in-the-air" situation.  He didn't just pray for things to "work out".  He echoed the cries of my heart in his petition for endurance through uncertainty, for open eyes, and for God's glory whether that mean me staying in Sacramento or moving to Paradise.

2) These words from another friend: "No matter if you end up here or in Paradise, I hope you know what a champ you are.  And that you don't forget that you are capable and worth it.  Keep that drive you know you have - that is sometimes hard to muster up, but God gives us strength for each day and He sustains.  No place is succeeding or giving up.  Seeking the Lord's heart wherever you are is all it's about."

God is SO good.  He is good in Sacramento and He is good in Paradise.  I am no longer worried about giving up, letting people down, or planning.  I'm not thinking about what I want.  I don't even know what that is anymore.  I only know where God has me right now.  I will put my all into this place in this moment while I am here.

Perfectly Picked

I've cried many tears this week.  Tears over my loss of motivation, tears over friends I miss, tears over uncertainty, and just plain tears.  But tonight I cry tears of tender thankfulness, astonishment at what I have been given.

I wish you knew my parents.  They're perfect.  Of course, they're not really PERFECT, but like I said yesterday, "The more I grow up, the more I believe and see that God specifically picked my parents to have me and me to be their daughter."  The more I get to know them, the better we fit together.  They take better care of me than I can justly describe.  Every time I think I know how much they love me, I realize that I've barely sipped of the fountain from which they endlessly give.  I see their love for me on their faces, I hear it in their words, I feel it in their hugs, and I read it in the encouraging emails they send me almost every day.

Immense in Love

Psalm 86:15 - "But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and never, never quit."

I have seen God's unfailing, ever-faithful, immense love in the people around me recently.  I've received encouragement and support from everyone in my life, and this has meant so much to me.  I've appreciated every text, every note, every prayer, every hug, every moment of shared laughter.  All of this is God providing for me through his children who are abiding in him.  He teaches them how to love, and they show his love to me.  Thanks for helping to hold me together, family.

"Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm.  And I'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone." - Matt Maher

Fallen Leaves

This weekend in my hometown, autumn was in full force as half-bare trees stood like statues in the chilly air.  Every year yellow, red, and green leaves fall from their branches and leave only the trunk and its naked branches starkly exposed.  It's a pattern, a cycle.

As I look back on recent years, it seems this same process has taken place in my life each autumn since I started college.  Some years the shedding of leaves has seemed more manageable and bearable, and others it has felt the leaves were ruthlessly ripped from the branches to which they clung.

When the leaves hit the ground, standing up strong is the tree itself.  The trunk, the branches.  The framework on which all the rest of life hangs.  No matter what I have or don't have, God still stands.  He's constant, and He's strong.  I feel bare and confused now, but He's teaching me something. God is developing something in me so that when spring finally comes I will blossom and bear fruit, hopefully more than before.

Psalm 74:16-17 (Message) You own the day, you own the night; you put stars and sun in place. You laid out the four corners of earth, shaped the seasons of summer and winter.

A Future Filled with Hope

One month away from being a college graduate, I spent a great deal of time today applying to positions in the food industry.  It felt a little like going backwards.  At times I feel I'm forever stuck in "student-hood" and always transitioning from one thing to the next, each more temporary than meaningful.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (CEB)
I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the LORD; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope. When you call me and come and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you search for me, yes, search for me with all your heart, you will find me. I will be present for you, declares the LORD, and I will end your captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have scattered you, and I will bring you home after your long exile, declares the LORD.