Love Doesn't Go Dutch

Something God is currently teaching me is that no one is keeping track. Of anything.

A few weeks ago I sat around a table with a tremendous bunch of people, telling them how I consistently felt I was falling short in each of my closest relationships. I'm thankful to be included in this group who God uses to dig deep into each other's lives, rooting out toxic paradigms and replacing them with truth and clarity.

My feelings of inadequacy as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, girlfriend, roommate, human, etc. - which would so graciously surface anytime someone offered me love in any form I was unable to give back in return - were uncovered on the table before my friends.

There are no accountants of love, because true love involves no record-keeping. I am not in debt with love. It is not measured. I can give selflessly to others, and I can receive freely the love others give to me. I'm learning to surrender to God my attempts to make everything "even" and instead just love simply. When I can and how I can. And receive the love that others give me when and how they can, without feeling bad for receiving it. Because love doesn't go dutch.

Don't Skip Steps

My dad once told me that he reads the end of the book first, and if he likes how it turns out he goes to the beginning to see how the characters got to where they ended up. I'm not sure if he actually did this or if he was joking, but I do remember being absolutely appalled. What's the point of going back through the story if you already jumped to the end? Does that not ruin the entire journey??

Back in July, I prayed a prayer that some may consider a little "out there". Rather than addressing my simple, yet gigantic, yes-or-no question God responded, "Don't skip steps."

In the car on the way to church with friends this weekend, these words tapped me on the shoulder once more. "Don't skip steps."

When we believe that God has His best in store for us, it's tempting to skip the middle and race full speed toward the finish line (though the finish line we seek to achieve is often just the beginning of a new adventure). But doing that often causes us to come up short, to get hurt along the way, to run out of steam, or finish completely exhausted and out of breath.

I realize that God is using the small steps of my current journey to conquer the big fears I laid at his feet before setting out on this path. If I ignore all the in-between stuff, I will miss God's presence. I won't see how He is taking care of every care in my heart and worry that has tip-toed across my mind. I won't see Him guiding me to what is next or blessing me along the way. The journey is precious, and I am consciously choosing to be attentive to Him every step of the way.

Healer

I don't know how regular adults sit in cubicles all year round. Working more hours during summer, I've recently experienced pain in my wrist, forearm, elbow, and upper back (on the right side) while typing away. On Thursday (yesterday) my discomfort reached a moderate level and I decided something more than readjusting my chair needed to be done.

Last night during worship at Epic Life, I was thinking about my situation and noticed that the palms of my hands had become really hot. So I put my left hand on my wrist and then my elbow as I continued to sing, "Let your Heaven come on Earth, as it is in Heaven..."

I felt the pain in my wrist, forearm, and elbow dissipate.

You know how it feels when a massage therapist works a knot out of your back? At first the pain intensifies in the concentrated area and then you feel relief. That's what happened in my back.

This is love, you guys. This is God not only taking care of His children but also allowing them to experience His blessings. To me, this is radical; but to God, this is attending to the simple things. A wrist pain. A knot in my back. He knows it all and it all matters to Him.

You Are Not Transient

The morning of July 7th, I was awoken at 4:30 in the morning. It's unusual for me to wake up during the night, but in this instance my eyes popped right open. The first thing I noticed was the fear I felt and the fact that my body was defensively curled up against the wall adjacent to my bed. So I began praying against the fear. I know God is always here, so there's no place for fear in my house.

My prayers turned from declaring God's presence, power and protection to lifting up my loved ones and various events happening in the world.

Around 5:15am, God told me, "Get up and go watch the sun rise." Reluctantly I crawled out of the cocoon I had made from my comforter and stepped into the living room. Opening the blinds and looking to the horizon (or the roofs of houses) I saw the bright, beautiful sun peeking out in the distance while everything up close held on to the timid gray twilight.

Me: "Why am I here right now?"
God: "I wanted to tell you I love you."
Me: "Wow. Thank you. I love you too. What else?"
God: "I'm really proud of you."
Me: "You have my full attention. I'm listening to you."

Then, as the sun crept slightly higher in the morning sky, the lamp across the street from my house began to flicker on and off. Simultaneously, the artificial light went out like a candle in the wind and the sun burst it's final inch over the town and flooded everything in sight with the brightest, most courageous yellow-orange color I've ever seen.

"This is you where you are," God revealed. "For so much of the time you've lived in Sacramento, you have felt your life was in transition. It was, but you know who you are now. YOU are no longer transient. You are not flickering between who I made you to be and who the world confused you with. Everything you do comes from the authenticity of the TRUE source of light and life, Me."

If I had allowed the fear I initially felt to grip me (agreeing with the fact that I felt afraid rather than the truth that God is in control), I would probably not have heard God telling me to get out of bed and missed this entire message. Just like with my identity, if I allow fear to govern me I will miss opportunities to see, experience, and be God's light.

On the Road

Just roughly, this is what I learned while driving this morning...

We don't have to wait for God to give us wisdom in general. We already have it. Through the Holy Spirit we have access to all the authority, power and wisdom that God has. It's already in us. We need to put ourselves in positions to tap into it and use it in specific situations. We do that by aligning our hearts with God, by pursuing deep relationship with Him, by paying attention to what He's doing in and around us. We will see how His love acts in each situation, and we will have the wisdom to act as His sons and daughters.

Morning

Monday morning I found myself sitting up in my bed, sunshine streaming through my window, reflecting on how beautiful the morning can be. I thought of my family, and two seconds later I felt a wash of change inside me as a few trickling tears were released down my tender face. My mom is alive. My first instinct was to feel foolish at crying over something that was finished so long ago and was so paltry in comparison to countless others' stories.

But really, the safest thing I can do is acknowledge that at times I still feel afraid of cancer's unpredictable ways of creeping up on unsuspecting families. That I sometimes I doubt my ability to maintain abstinence until the day I'm married without having a boyfriend to stay faithful to. That sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing a good job at life if my choices aren't carbon copies of what someone else may choose.

I trust God to carry me through any situation, and provide for me every provision I will need each step of the way. I don't have to avoid my fears anymore, because the pain of going through learning experiences can't hold a candle to the strength of the One guiding me through them.

I could beat myself up for being frustrated at times this week, for not already knowing all of this, for not having 100% trust in God 100% of the time. But I'm learning to confidently and inconsequentially let go of fears as they surface, accepting that some of them may need to be released weekly. Thursday night I find myself sitting on the couch in a living room dimly lit by table lamps, and I'm contemplating how beautiful the mourning can be.

Temptation

Last Sunday at church, my pastor said, "Our ability to withstand temptation has more to do with our confidence in God than anything."

In this light, it is so much easier to understand why I'm tempted by the things I am. I can identify exactly what areas I'm lacking trust. It seems so much easier to address, manage, and fight those temptations knowing why Satan sees them as easy-to-attack weak spots.

He also shared these poignant tidbits...
Every time you are tempted, three things are at stake - your future, someone else's future, and the future of your faith.
Every time you sin, three things are compromised - your relationship with God, your connection with God, and your confidence in God.

I no longer have to pray for God's help in changing my behaviors. Instead I can focus my prayers on areas of my heart where I now know my trust needs a boost. "Please help my boyfriend and I stay physically pure" just changed to "God, I know that if we cross the line, even just once, my connection with You will experience a tear. Instead of just hoping that doesn't happen, I can place full trust in You. I am confident that with Your wisdom we can make healthy choices to stay out of compromising situations. I am confident that making these choices will strengthen our relationship and allow us to experience more of Your fruit, rather than make us feel like we're missing out on something."

I feel refreshed by this perspective change, and better equipped to handle the temptations the devil throws at me.

January 1, 2013

Looking back at journal entries from a year ago, I see that they are all about processing the hurt from the year before. God was faithful in 2012 to deliver healing, new perspectives, and new revelations. I'm thankful today that I'm not in the same place as I was this time last year.

I believe that 2013 is going to build  on the growth for which 2012 laid the foundation. I believe that this year God is going to reveal more of how he wants to use me. I believe that 2013 is going to mean deeper friendships. In 2012, God gave me the words "pure", "precious" and "balance". What words will mark the lessons of 2013? This will be a year of more prayer - more continuous, more intimate, more listening. This will be a year of more focus on eternal value. Skills will be developed in 2013 - communication, academic, organization, discipline.

I'm so thankful to serve a God who doesn't stop at mediocre. I'm looking forward to the challenging growth of 2013 and the fruit the year will bring.

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within  you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. NLT