God-sized Opportunity

Three years ago, I began studying American Sign Language (ASL) with the hopeful intent of becoming a certified interpreter.  I took classes, met with professors, researched programs.  I decided to pursue my bachelor's degree first, and then enter an interpreter preparation program (IPP).  So, two and a half years ago I moved to Sacramento to put this dream into motion.  All of the school work that I completed at Sac State was in preparation for interpreter training.  I have graduated from Sac State, and now I'm gathering the pieces of my IPP applications that are due in coming weeks.  If my paperwork is good, I will be invited to the programs' screening days where a panel of professors and Deaf community members will assess my ASL skill and decide whether to accept me into their programs or not.

If I get into an IPP, I will embark on two (plus) years of an amazing challenge.  The things I learn in that program will blow my mind!  It will be so fun and so hard, and I know that I won't be successful without Christ.  Or, I might not get into an IPP.  I don't know what that means for my life.  Will I find something else to do for a year and then re-apply next spring?  Will God uncover a completely different path and passion for me to follow?

I know that God-sized opportunity awaits me this year.  I have no clue what that opportunity will look like, but I am eager and excited to find out!  So for now I am stepping out in anticipation, praying with all of my self that I won't wander and miss the greatness that God has in store for me.

In Your Arms

My primary love language is physical touch.  I feel most loved when someone wraps their arms around me and squeezes me tight.  When I don't have a boyfriend, I don't get a lot of hugs like these.  There aren't many people in Sacramento with whom I have that wrap-me-up-in-a-bear-hug kind of relationship.

In December, I was so overwhelmed.  I told a friend about the heaviness and defeat I felt, and he prayed with me.  He said, "The Holy Spirit is telling me that he just wants you to dialogue with him.  Talk all this out.  Yell.  Cry.  Whatever.  Treat it like a conversation."  When I got home, I looked back in my journal to see that I had been praying what I thought I should be praying in that situation, not simply laying out the truths of my heartache.

I prayed differently the next day.  I let go.  My words were sad.  They spoke of pain, despair, doubt, and confusion.  Then I sat still and said, "Your turn, God."  In response, He showed me a picture.  I was so small, and he was huge.  I sat on his lap, and he wrapped his arms around me in an embrace that left not an inch of my body untouched.  It was warm, it was strong, and it was comfort like I have never known before.  This continued to happen each time I stilled myself in God's presence for the next couple weeks.

While driving yesterday I found myself craving that once again.  When was the last time I was given a GOOD hug?  Two hours later, I stood with a group of people in worship.  I sang out with abandon, and confidence.  And He was there.  God wrapped his arms around me, swaying with me and the music.  I don't have words to describe the experience.  I am awestruck to think of God in his great and beautiful majesty, coming to me, loving me in a way that is so meaningful and special to me.  It's beyond what I ever could have imagined.

Blessed

Blessed (adj.) - divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; blissfully happy or content

This adjective describes tonight.  Mustaches, glasses, hats, scarves, jackets, and masks made tonight unique, but it's something deeper that makes this group of women unique.  We are each unique from each other, a mix of many different personalities, backgrounds, dreams, and quirks.  Despite (or maybe partially because of) our differences, our hearts are connected.  We know each other.  We know the things each of us are striving toward.  We can encourage each other in ways other friends often can't.  The love in this group is strong, unending, and hopeful.

After they covered me in prayer and departed with hugs, I ate a snack, did a crossword puzzle, and came up with the words I was at a loss for earlier tonight:

To my Wednesday night girls,
You have blessed me.  My experience in Sacramento has been made worthwhile because of the relationships that you built in my living room(s), the stories you shared, the deep heart issues you poured out, the tears you cried, the hugs you've given, the prayers you've prayed, and the words you've spoken.  Thanks to each of you girls for being vulnerable and sharing with each other and me the love that the Christ gave you.  Thank you for appreciating each other, caring genuinely for one another, and living in community together.  Thank you for seeking God.

Hanging on the Vine

This morning I sat at the kitchen table, finally having the words to pray all the feelings that yesterday kept me "busily" hidden.  I prayed this:

It is sad to think that this could be my last night at Fusion and not even know for sure.  I wish this could have been more planned so I could spend time with certain people and everything.  To be honest, God, I don't really believe that I'll get a job this week.  I have no leads on jobs I've already applied for, and it's not likely that any I apply to this week will hire me by Friday.  God, I'm so eager for your answer!  It looks like nothing is working!!  What is the purpose of making me wait THIS long?!  (At this point I actually paused and hoped to hear God's voice audibly.)

I know that whatever God's plan is, it's worth waiting for.  The waiting is so, so, so hard right now.

In the Waiting

I haven't posted in a while, and I guess I could say there's been a lot going on.  A lot of nothing, it may seem.  I am (sometimes) patiently waiting for God to reveal what He wants me to do next.  Where I'm supposed to live, where I'm supposed to work, etc.  In the last month, the people in my life have made apparent their very specific hopes for what happens, which is why I found myself so touched by two things lately.

1) Yesterday, a friend prayed for me and my current "up-in-the-air" situation.  He didn't just pray for things to "work out".  He echoed the cries of my heart in his petition for endurance through uncertainty, for open eyes, and for God's glory whether that mean me staying in Sacramento or moving to Paradise.

2) These words from another friend: "No matter if you end up here or in Paradise, I hope you know what a champ you are.  And that you don't forget that you are capable and worth it.  Keep that drive you know you have - that is sometimes hard to muster up, but God gives us strength for each day and He sustains.  No place is succeeding or giving up.  Seeking the Lord's heart wherever you are is all it's about."

God is SO good.  He is good in Sacramento and He is good in Paradise.  I am no longer worried about giving up, letting people down, or planning.  I'm not thinking about what I want.  I don't even know what that is anymore.  I only know where God has me right now.  I will put my all into this place in this moment while I am here.

Perfectly Picked

I've cried many tears this week.  Tears over my loss of motivation, tears over friends I miss, tears over uncertainty, and just plain tears.  But tonight I cry tears of tender thankfulness, astonishment at what I have been given.

I wish you knew my parents.  They're perfect.  Of course, they're not really PERFECT, but like I said yesterday, "The more I grow up, the more I believe and see that God specifically picked my parents to have me and me to be their daughter."  The more I get to know them, the better we fit together.  They take better care of me than I can justly describe.  Every time I think I know how much they love me, I realize that I've barely sipped of the fountain from which they endlessly give.  I see their love for me on their faces, I hear it in their words, I feel it in their hugs, and I read it in the encouraging emails they send me almost every day.

Immense in Love

Psalm 86:15 - "But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and never, never quit."

I have seen God's unfailing, ever-faithful, immense love in the people around me recently.  I've received encouragement and support from everyone in my life, and this has meant so much to me.  I've appreciated every text, every note, every prayer, every hug, every moment of shared laughter.  All of this is God providing for me through his children who are abiding in him.  He teaches them how to love, and they show his love to me.  Thanks for helping to hold me together, family.

"Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm.  And I'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone." - Matt Maher