Seek Me First

Wow, everyone, it has been a LONG time since I've even looked at my blog! I've been thinking about getting back into it, but for a while I've just felt like where the heck do I even start???

I've been learning a lot lately. Constantly. The most poignant thing I've recently learned (and am still working on in my daily life) is about listening. Simplifying. Partnering with God.

I felt confused by my emotions, pulled in many directions, unable to articulate what I wanted, and insecure. I came to God wanting to ask a list of questions, demand a list of responses, and end up with a list of issues fixed. But then I didn't know what to say. So I sat for a long moment and when my heart finally moved, it cried out to Him. Not really in despair, more in thirst. "What do you want to say to me, God? What am I doing? Who am I to you, Father?"

Faithfully and full of love, He answered."You are my daughter. You are created to be close to ME before anyone else. Seeking me first will equip you to fill all other roles. You don't need to even think about that right now. That will flow naturally as you are close to me. You will love by my leading and through my love, not by your own resources."

For a while now I've been trying to work through some insecurities that have been plaguing my mind and perception of myself. They often cause me to worry that I'm not doing the right thing, making the right choice, responding the right way. My heart in these situations is for the people who matter most in my life to feel how important they are to me, but I have been shrinking back in the assumption that my love isn't good enough for them. This conversation with God reminded me that I don't have to love by my own capabilities. In every moment, the most important thing is that I draw near to the Lord and out of that will come the fruits that will bless others. God's love never comes up short!

Living With a Christ Life Grad

Tonight I told my roommate I had been trying to process my anger from the events that occurred this morning. She shook her head and laughed remembering how I had stormed into the house at 8:25am, on the verge of tears, venting about what I perceived in that moment as the worst morning anyone on Earth could ever be put through.

The average roommate would have replied, "Yeah, you were crazy," accepted rage as a part of my God-given character, and been careful to tread lightly around me from this day forward.

But my roommate sat down with me and helped me walk through the situation step-by-step. Even though she knew the story from my rather emotionally-charged account earlier today. She allowed me to tell the whole thing once more as she interjected with questions. "What did the other person say at the beginning?" "How did you feel?" "How did you react?"

Our investigation uncovered this: I felt belittled by the way I had been spoken to, which caused me to feel hurt and anger. It would be normal to be a little frustrated by the way things had gone down, but I was boiling. That was unnecessary.

"When I saw you were about to cry this morning, I knew there was a deeper issue than the one that had just occurred to make you so upset. What have you experienced in your life that brought up similar feelings?" my roommate pressed. Out came other instances in which it seemed like someone was communicating that they didn't think I knew what I was doing, I was incapable or unprepared.

At the root, these are the lies we found: When I feel belittled it means I am incapable. When I feel belittled by someone I need to prove myself to them.

Through this dirt, God grew these beautiful truths: It doesn't matter how others perceive me. I am capable, because I am a daughter of God and I have the Holy Spirit living in me. I have the Mind of Christ. I am smart. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I can leave a situation with a peaceful heart no matter what the other person thinks of me, because God knows who I am.

Love Doesn't Go Dutch

Something God is currently teaching me is that no one is keeping track. Of anything.

A few weeks ago I sat around a table with a tremendous bunch of people, telling them how I consistently felt I was falling short in each of my closest relationships. I'm thankful to be included in this group who God uses to dig deep into each other's lives, rooting out toxic paradigms and replacing them with truth and clarity.

My feelings of inadequacy as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, girlfriend, roommate, human, etc. - which would so graciously surface anytime someone offered me love in any form I was unable to give back in return - were uncovered on the table before my friends.

There are no accountants of love, because true love involves no record-keeping. I am not in debt with love. It is not measured. I can give selflessly to others, and I can receive freely the love others give to me. I'm learning to surrender to God my attempts to make everything "even" and instead just love simply. When I can and how I can. And receive the love that others give me when and how they can, without feeling bad for receiving it. Because love doesn't go dutch.

Don't Skip Steps

My dad once told me that he reads the end of the book first, and if he likes how it turns out he goes to the beginning to see how the characters got to where they ended up. I'm not sure if he actually did this or if he was joking, but I do remember being absolutely appalled. What's the point of going back through the story if you already jumped to the end? Does that not ruin the entire journey??

Back in July, I prayed a prayer that some may consider a little "out there". Rather than addressing my simple, yet gigantic, yes-or-no question God responded, "Don't skip steps."

In the car on the way to church with friends this weekend, these words tapped me on the shoulder once more. "Don't skip steps."

When we believe that God has His best in store for us, it's tempting to skip the middle and race full speed toward the finish line (though the finish line we seek to achieve is often just the beginning of a new adventure). But doing that often causes us to come up short, to get hurt along the way, to run out of steam, or finish completely exhausted and out of breath.

I realize that God is using the small steps of my current journey to conquer the big fears I laid at his feet before setting out on this path. If I ignore all the in-between stuff, I will miss God's presence. I won't see how He is taking care of every care in my heart and worry that has tip-toed across my mind. I won't see Him guiding me to what is next or blessing me along the way. The journey is precious, and I am consciously choosing to be attentive to Him every step of the way.

Healer

I don't know how regular adults sit in cubicles all year round. Working more hours during summer, I've recently experienced pain in my wrist, forearm, elbow, and upper back (on the right side) while typing away. On Thursday (yesterday) my discomfort reached a moderate level and I decided something more than readjusting my chair needed to be done.

Last night during worship at Epic Life, I was thinking about my situation and noticed that the palms of my hands had become really hot. So I put my left hand on my wrist and then my elbow as I continued to sing, "Let your Heaven come on Earth, as it is in Heaven..."

I felt the pain in my wrist, forearm, and elbow dissipate.

You know how it feels when a massage therapist works a knot out of your back? At first the pain intensifies in the concentrated area and then you feel relief. That's what happened in my back.

This is love, you guys. This is God not only taking care of His children but also allowing them to experience His blessings. To me, this is radical; but to God, this is attending to the simple things. A wrist pain. A knot in my back. He knows it all and it all matters to Him.

You Are Not Transient

The morning of July 7th, I was awoken at 4:30 in the morning. It's unusual for me to wake up during the night, but in this instance my eyes popped right open. The first thing I noticed was the fear I felt and the fact that my body was defensively curled up against the wall adjacent to my bed. So I began praying against the fear. I know God is always here, so there's no place for fear in my house.

My prayers turned from declaring God's presence, power and protection to lifting up my loved ones and various events happening in the world.

Around 5:15am, God told me, "Get up and go watch the sun rise." Reluctantly I crawled out of the cocoon I had made from my comforter and stepped into the living room. Opening the blinds and looking to the horizon (or the roofs of houses) I saw the bright, beautiful sun peeking out in the distance while everything up close held on to the timid gray twilight.

Me: "Why am I here right now?"
God: "I wanted to tell you I love you."
Me: "Wow. Thank you. I love you too. What else?"
God: "I'm really proud of you."
Me: "You have my full attention. I'm listening to you."

Then, as the sun crept slightly higher in the morning sky, the lamp across the street from my house began to flicker on and off. Simultaneously, the artificial light went out like a candle in the wind and the sun burst it's final inch over the town and flooded everything in sight with the brightest, most courageous yellow-orange color I've ever seen.

"This is you where you are," God revealed. "For so much of the time you've lived in Sacramento, you have felt your life was in transition. It was, but you know who you are now. YOU are no longer transient. You are not flickering between who I made you to be and who the world confused you with. Everything you do comes from the authenticity of the TRUE source of light and life, Me."

If I had allowed the fear I initially felt to grip me (agreeing with the fact that I felt afraid rather than the truth that God is in control), I would probably not have heard God telling me to get out of bed and missed this entire message. Just like with my identity, if I allow fear to govern me I will miss opportunities to see, experience, and be God's light.

On the Road

Just roughly, this is what I learned while driving this morning...

We don't have to wait for God to give us wisdom in general. We already have it. Through the Holy Spirit we have access to all the authority, power and wisdom that God has. It's already in us. We need to put ourselves in positions to tap into it and use it in specific situations. We do that by aligning our hearts with God, by pursuing deep relationship with Him, by paying attention to what He's doing in and around us. We will see how His love acts in each situation, and we will have the wisdom to act as His sons and daughters.

Morning

Monday morning I found myself sitting up in my bed, sunshine streaming through my window, reflecting on how beautiful the morning can be. I thought of my family, and two seconds later I felt a wash of change inside me as a few trickling tears were released down my tender face. My mom is alive. My first instinct was to feel foolish at crying over something that was finished so long ago and was so paltry in comparison to countless others' stories.

But really, the safest thing I can do is acknowledge that at times I still feel afraid of cancer's unpredictable ways of creeping up on unsuspecting families. That I sometimes I doubt my ability to maintain abstinence until the day I'm married without having a boyfriend to stay faithful to. That sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing a good job at life if my choices aren't carbon copies of what someone else may choose.

I trust God to carry me through any situation, and provide for me every provision I will need each step of the way. I don't have to avoid my fears anymore, because the pain of going through learning experiences can't hold a candle to the strength of the One guiding me through them.

I could beat myself up for being frustrated at times this week, for not already knowing all of this, for not having 100% trust in God 100% of the time. But I'm learning to confidently and inconsequentially let go of fears as they surface, accepting that some of them may need to be released weekly. Thursday night I find myself sitting on the couch in a living room dimly lit by table lamps, and I'm contemplating how beautiful the mourning can be.

Temptation

Last Sunday at church, my pastor said, "Our ability to withstand temptation has more to do with our confidence in God than anything."

In this light, it is so much easier to understand why I'm tempted by the things I am. I can identify exactly what areas I'm lacking trust. It seems so much easier to address, manage, and fight those temptations knowing why Satan sees them as easy-to-attack weak spots.

He also shared these poignant tidbits...
Every time you are tempted, three things are at stake - your future, someone else's future, and the future of your faith.
Every time you sin, three things are compromised - your relationship with God, your connection with God, and your confidence in God.

I no longer have to pray for God's help in changing my behaviors. Instead I can focus my prayers on areas of my heart where I now know my trust needs a boost. "Please help my boyfriend and I stay physically pure" just changed to "God, I know that if we cross the line, even just once, my connection with You will experience a tear. Instead of just hoping that doesn't happen, I can place full trust in You. I am confident that with Your wisdom we can make healthy choices to stay out of compromising situations. I am confident that making these choices will strengthen our relationship and allow us to experience more of Your fruit, rather than make us feel like we're missing out on something."

I feel refreshed by this perspective change, and better equipped to handle the temptations the devil throws at me.

January 1, 2013

Looking back at journal entries from a year ago, I see that they are all about processing the hurt from the year before. God was faithful in 2012 to deliver healing, new perspectives, and new revelations. I'm thankful today that I'm not in the same place as I was this time last year.

I believe that 2013 is going to build  on the growth for which 2012 laid the foundation. I believe that this year God is going to reveal more of how he wants to use me. I believe that 2013 is going to mean deeper friendships. In 2012, God gave me the words "pure", "precious" and "balance". What words will mark the lessons of 2013? This will be a year of more prayer - more continuous, more intimate, more listening. This will be a year of more focus on eternal value. Skills will be developed in 2013 - communication, academic, organization, discipline.

I'm so thankful to serve a God who doesn't stop at mediocre. I'm looking forward to the challenging growth of 2013 and the fruit the year will bring.

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within  you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. NLT

The God of Do-Overs?

Today in church, our children's pastor preached a sermon titled "The God of Do-Overs". She used the example of getting back on track after something didn't go well or looking back on the last year and thinking it didn't quite go as expected.

While the meat of the sermon focused on putting God first in our lives, trusting that He has our best interest in mind and heart, and that He's not done with us yet (all fine and dandy), I couldn't help but feel a little disagreement with the sermon's title. When I think of a "do-over" I think of going back to before something happened and making different choices to yield a different outcome. Dictionary.com backs me up by defining "do-over" as "a chance to redo an action". Thankfully I don't feel that in 2012 my life held any events that I'd rather it didn't, but I can identify a few things from earlier years that could fall into the "not so awesome" category. However, I don't wish to do them over. They may have been hard, painful, and ugly but God took my sorrow and turned it to laughter. He took my weakness and gave me strength. God was able to deliver good out of each terrible thing that happened. Would I still have received those blessings if the icky things didn't happen? Would I understand joy and endurance if I had never felt despair and defeat?

As God's children, are we ever really off track? If God is truly not done with us yet, like Philippians 1:6 says, isn't it all just a part of the process? Maybe we don't need to get back on track or do over, we just need to keep going forward. We don't heal from pain so that we can forget our hard times. We heal so that we can become more whole, be more intimate with God.

The Acorn and the Tree

Tonight at Epic Life, Sean Lawrence spoke about patterns. Specifically, about breaking patterns. He emphasized the importance of noticing patterns and understanding why we do the things we do.

This topic reminded me of something that had been heavy on my heart and mind a while ago, but somehow was forgotten in the shuffle of life. Tonight was like an alarm on your cell phone reminding you where you're supposed to be in fifteen minutes. It was God saying, "Pay attention to this. This is important. Listen, and let this be processed."

Many of our patterns are learned. These include thought patterns, behavior patterns...They are not all negative, either - we can learn patterns of maintaining good dental hygiene or showing up on time for class. Many of our patterns come from the people we spend the most time surrounded by, the people who pour into us the most. The people we look up to.

We've all heard the saying, "The acorn didn't fall far from the tree." I had a new perspective on this cliche tonight. It is good that the acorn didn't fall too far from the tree. We don't want to lose the many wonderful, timeless, positive things that can be passed down to us by family or other close relationships. But it is also very important that the acorn does indeed fall. We can't continue old cycles. We must become the new creations that God set us apart to be when He created us. We have to shed what should be left in previous generations in order for a new generation to take root.

A Midsummer Storm

I planned on saving more money this summer. I planned on being at my current job for the next two years. I planned on being ready to move into a new place right about now.

Instead, I lived on a tight budget to pay the ridiculous student fees for a summer class (and accrued a good chunk of debt to my parents for the class’ tuition). I have no idea what my job situation will be in a month. Each day at the office I’m made more aware of the uncertainty rather than guided by helpful information. It’s hard to sign a lease without any potential roommates and the possibility of not having a job soon, so the prospect of moving back to my parents’ house in my hometown once again looms in the distance.

“Well, at least you just did this whole thing a couple months ago so you’re used to it!” someone chidingly encouraged me.

It’s true. My life in January was a less comfortable version of my life today. Circumstances are similar, but I learned how strong I was when I activated Christ’s power in me. I saw Him carry me through the storm, blessing me the whole way. That storm was full of downpour, lightning, and thunder…that’s why this one is just a mild sprinkle. The same questions have not weighed on my mind this time because they’ve already been answered.

Though I would say that my body is exhibiting some symptoms of stress, my spirit is still and peaceful. That’s why it’s good to go through life’s storms. Because there’s always a storm in the distance, and you’ll know how be more still the next time.

Beautiful Truth

I wrote this last Thursday, July 5th...

This morning I read Psalm 72. Here are some things about God in this text:

God wants rulers/leaders to be just and righteous.

God cares for the poor, oppressed, weak, and needy.

God helps us know how to treat people.

God is worthy of fear.

God does wonderful things

God is glorious and worthy of praise forever.

These are only some of the beautiful truths about you, God. You are so wonderful and worthy of praise. You are ever molding the hearts of your children and revealing yourself to us. It is only because of you that I have life. Every good thing in my life is from you and belongs to you, Lord. You are worthy of more praise than this. You are worthy! Your name brings me gladness because in you I find identity, peace, hope, friendship, romance, counseling, laughter, strength, and wisdom. I wake up knowing that each day is an opportunity to be with you. I go to sleep knowing that every moment to come is protected by you. You are my Everlasting Lord.

Thank You for Being.

Thank you for being in Guatemala.  Thank you for providing money for ministry there.  Thank you for changing the hearts of Guatemalans, drawing them close to you and for the ways they will experience Your Presence.
 Thank you for being in the Middle East.  Thank you for protecting the people there.  Thank you for peace.  Thank you for colorful, joyful lives, for smiles, for faith, and for friendship.
Thank you for being in Panama.  Thank you for being on Grandpa's land and in his house.  Thank you for blessing that place and the generations that will reside there in the future.
Thank you for already being in North Carolina.  Thank you for a job and a paycheck, a house, and friends.  Thank you for a new season.
Thank you for being in Santa Cruz.  Thank you for a place to live and a summer of pursuing passion.  Thank you for laughter, sunshine, dancing, and playing.  Thank you for confidence.
Thank you for being in Texas.  Thank you for peace and patience.  Thank you for guidance.  Thank you for discernment and wisdom.  Thank you for fulfillment.  Thank you for new experiences, and for cherished memories.
Thank you for being in Chico.  Thank you for new-found love.  Thank you for hope.  Thank you for understanding.  Thank you for grace to be experienced.  Thank you for identity.  Thank you for open arms.
Thank you for being in Sacramento.  Thank you for growth.  Thank you for victory.  Thank you for purpose.  Thank you for strength and power. Thank you for perseverance.  Thank you for trust.

Thankful Thursday

Part of devoting myself to prayer with an alert mind means opening my eyes to all I have to be thankful for.  When I pay attention I realize that God not only provides my needs, he provides my wants as well!

Things I've been thankful for in the past week:
1. A plane ticket to visit Kimmy Sue at the end of May!
2. A lunchtime visit with a friend
3. Great revelation/breakthrough from God
4. Encouragement from a beautiful sister in Christ
5. Thrifty's ice cream
6. Days spent at the park
7. Shady parking spots
8. Friends who take care of your phone when you leave it their house for 2 days
9. Baptisms!
10. Kayaking on the Consumnes River (upstream both ways :-/ )
11. Opportunities and opening doors
12. Psalm 57
13. Good conversations with good people
14. Delicious skillet potatoes and turkey sausage for under $2
15. A job for a friend
16. Soft pretzels
17. My parents
18. Morning-time prayers

When Opportunity Knocks!

You know that feeling you get when you're on the brink of something amazing?  That's me today!  God has recently been opening my eyes to how deeply passionate I am about certain things.  Dancing and writing are no longer simply things I like; it's becoming impossible not to devote time to them. I have always known I liked this stuff, but I'm now realizing that these passions were planted in my heart by God for specific reasons.  I don't know what those reasons are yet, but things are about to happen.  There are some really amazing opportunities just past the tips of my fingers.  Mark my words - this is going to be the summer of opening doors!

It's becoming more and more apparent that God delights in giving me the desires of my heart.  I line up my heart with His, He plants the desires, and then I get to watch them blossom as He fulfills them!

Date Day!

I remember my mother telling me about a relationship she had before she met my dad.  She dated this guy for a couple years, but after a while she found they were in a particular mundane routine.  She would get off work, go to his house, and they would just watch TV.  Blah.  She said to me, "At a certain point, I just realized that I didn't want to sit on the couch eating popcorn and watching TV for the rest of my life."

My time with God has become a little routine lately.  Also, I've just finished my third week at my new job.  When I was unemployed, I had so much time to just get up in the morning, make coffee, and spend as long as I wanted sitting at the kitchen table with God.  In the midst of adjusting to my new schedule, things have felt crazy and I found myself fitting God in whenever I found limited time to do so.  Last week I decided to set this Monday afternoon aside to just be with God.  Even though my to-do list has eighteen unfinished items on it (plus a few more floating in my head), I gave this afternoon to God.  Instead of fitting Him in, everything else is going to fit around Him for a change.  He's the center.  No plans, just open-ended time

It's been beautiful.  Perfect.  I can't imagine it being better.  This day has been full of worship, open-hearted communication, reassurance, and peace.  In order for God to respond to the many things on my mind, I had to give Him the time to speak.  As I made some big requests of my Lord, He took my vulnerability and changed it into confidence.

A Precious Purity

The last couple weeks God has been reminding me daily to see myself through the lens which he sees me.  Each time I have asked him what exactly that looks like, he gives me these two words.  They've become so important to me I have decided to post these definitions next to my mirror.  Words cannot describe how special I feel when I am affirmed by my Creator like this.  It makes me stand up straighter as I step into each day with a confidently established identity that comes from the Master of Restoration.  The more I talk to God about how he sees me, the more motivated I am to live up to the daughter He created me to be.

What does God see in you that you may overlook on your own?

God-sized Opportunity

Three years ago, I began studying American Sign Language (ASL) with the hopeful intent of becoming a certified interpreter.  I took classes, met with professors, researched programs.  I decided to pursue my bachelor's degree first, and then enter an interpreter preparation program (IPP).  So, two and a half years ago I moved to Sacramento to put this dream into motion.  All of the school work that I completed at Sac State was in preparation for interpreter training.  I have graduated from Sac State, and now I'm gathering the pieces of my IPP applications that are due in coming weeks.  If my paperwork is good, I will be invited to the programs' screening days where a panel of professors and Deaf community members will assess my ASL skill and decide whether to accept me into their programs or not.

If I get into an IPP, I will embark on two (plus) years of an amazing challenge.  The things I learn in that program will blow my mind!  It will be so fun and so hard, and I know that I won't be successful without Christ.  Or, I might not get into an IPP.  I don't know what that means for my life.  Will I find something else to do for a year and then re-apply next spring?  Will God uncover a completely different path and passion for me to follow?

I know that God-sized opportunity awaits me this year.  I have no clue what that opportunity will look like, but I am eager and excited to find out!  So for now I am stepping out in anticipation, praying with all of my self that I won't wander and miss the greatness that God has in store for me.