Seek Me First

Wow, everyone, it has been a LONG time since I've even looked at my blog! I've been thinking about getting back into it, but for a while I've just felt like where the heck do I even start???

I've been learning a lot lately. Constantly. The most poignant thing I've recently learned (and am still working on in my daily life) is about listening. Simplifying. Partnering with God.

I felt confused by my emotions, pulled in many directions, unable to articulate what I wanted, and insecure. I came to God wanting to ask a list of questions, demand a list of responses, and end up with a list of issues fixed. But then I didn't know what to say. So I sat for a long moment and when my heart finally moved, it cried out to Him. Not really in despair, more in thirst. "What do you want to say to me, God? What am I doing? Who am I to you, Father?"

Faithfully and full of love, He answered."You are my daughter. You are created to be close to ME before anyone else. Seeking me first will equip you to fill all other roles. You don't need to even think about that right now. That will flow naturally as you are close to me. You will love by my leading and through my love, not by your own resources."

For a while now I've been trying to work through some insecurities that have been plaguing my mind and perception of myself. They often cause me to worry that I'm not doing the right thing, making the right choice, responding the right way. My heart in these situations is for the people who matter most in my life to feel how important they are to me, but I have been shrinking back in the assumption that my love isn't good enough for them. This conversation with God reminded me that I don't have to love by my own capabilities. In every moment, the most important thing is that I draw near to the Lord and out of that will come the fruits that will bless others. God's love never comes up short!

Living With a Christ Life Grad

Tonight I told my roommate I had been trying to process my anger from the events that occurred this morning. She shook her head and laughed remembering how I had stormed into the house at 8:25am, on the verge of tears, venting about what I perceived in that moment as the worst morning anyone on Earth could ever be put through.

The average roommate would have replied, "Yeah, you were crazy," accepted rage as a part of my God-given character, and been careful to tread lightly around me from this day forward.

But my roommate sat down with me and helped me walk through the situation step-by-step. Even though she knew the story from my rather emotionally-charged account earlier today. She allowed me to tell the whole thing once more as she interjected with questions. "What did the other person say at the beginning?" "How did you feel?" "How did you react?"

Our investigation uncovered this: I felt belittled by the way I had been spoken to, which caused me to feel hurt and anger. It would be normal to be a little frustrated by the way things had gone down, but I was boiling. That was unnecessary.

"When I saw you were about to cry this morning, I knew there was a deeper issue than the one that had just occurred to make you so upset. What have you experienced in your life that brought up similar feelings?" my roommate pressed. Out came other instances in which it seemed like someone was communicating that they didn't think I knew what I was doing, I was incapable or unprepared.

At the root, these are the lies we found: When I feel belittled it means I am incapable. When I feel belittled by someone I need to prove myself to them.

Through this dirt, God grew these beautiful truths: It doesn't matter how others perceive me. I am capable, because I am a daughter of God and I have the Holy Spirit living in me. I have the Mind of Christ. I am smart. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I can leave a situation with a peaceful heart no matter what the other person thinks of me, because God knows who I am.